T-Shirt[Be Bona•Fide]// Photo credit: Amy Hess Photography
I Am Terrified Of Being A Bad Mother
Every since the moment I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte, I worried about being a good mother. To be honest, she was not planned and I felt so unprepared. Back then there were days I was so lazy I would leave an unfinished glass of milk in my room for days (gross). How could I possibly take care of a baby? As my pregnancy went along, I worried more and more and more. Would I be loving enough? Could I deal with the terrible twos? Could I potty train her? Would I be smart enough to help her with her algebra homework? So many things ran through my mind during my pregnancy. And, the fact that I was so worried about it made me worry even more. I remember asking my mom and sister over and over again if they thought I would be a bad mom. My sister would say that I love milk, naps, and Disney movies so I would do just fine. My mother would say since I had such a good teacher (her), that I would be wonderful and that I would love that little baby so much that it would all make sense and come to me when she was here.
Well 18, almost 19 months in and I think they were right. I still worry all the time if I am doing things right. I watch other mothers and think, hmm maybe I don’t play with her enough, or work on her words with her enough. But the one thing I know I do enough? Love her. I love her more than anything in the world. She hears I love you all day long. She gets so many hugs and kisses. She is so loved by John and I. I may not be the best mom in the world, but I try to be everyday for her. Sometimes it is harder than others due to my anxiety, but I try my best everyday.
I Have ADD & Anxiety
Speaking of Anxiety. Whoaaa has it gotten a lot worse over the past two years. I have always been a little dramatic or high strung, but after I had Char my anxiety was off the charts. I worry about anything and everything. I overthink EVERYTHING. I have hot flashes like a women in menopause. I panic every time my husband is driving, because I am not in control. I can’t sleep because my heart races randomly and I can’t clear my mind. Ugh, it is a mess. I have seen one doctor since I have been here in Georgia, and to be honest, she hasn’t been much help. I am hoping when I head back up to the Midwest I can go back to my old doctor and get this problem figured out.
Another issue I have struggled with my whole life is ADD. My mom was telling John the other day about how when I was in grade school she would apologize to the teachers because I refused to sit down in class. I didn’t sit down in school until the 4th grade from what my mom tells me. I had trouble through all my school years because I was so busy and wouldn’t focus. I hated going to school, I hated homework, I hated reading aloud in class, I hated everything about school. As an adult, I still struggle with ADD. It doesn’t effect my life as much now, but it’s still annoying and drives John(my husband) crazy. As I sit here and type this post, I have picked up my phone three times, watched a Youtube video and looked at books on amazon. Why?? I wish I could just focus on one thing for more than a few minutes. However, I have learned over the years to make myself notes. When I worked in an accounting office at a car dealership, I would make myself a list of things I needed to get done for the day. With a list, I could bounce around from task to task until I had completed them all. It is very helpful to have a list of things you need to accomplish for the day.
Do you have ADD or Anxiety? Or, are you a mom who doubts her parenting abilities?